Looking Good

Joanna Gardner


Listen, my girlfriends, and you shall hear

What most men want, besides cold beer.

I've studied them and the things they do,

And what I've learned I'll now tell you.

First, you must remember that

Men love big boobs but can't stand fat.

Now this may seem to make no sense,

Just so much babble from the gents,

But here's the method, tried and true,

To guarantee that they'll love you:

Get liposuction once a week

And for god's sake, don't ever eat,

And then, when you have lost your hips

Get implants for your boobs and lips!

This plan is foolproof, you can tell,

And who cares if it hurts like hell?

Just think, when you ride on a boat,

If you fall in, you'll surely float!

But best of all, you will agree,

No fat will your man ever see!

Your monstrous boobs will fill his eyes,

He'll bow before their mighty size,

And when your lips he goes to kiss,

There is no way that he will miss.

And so, you see, if you are brave

You too can make a man your slave.

And if you want him yet more fond,

Waste no time becoming blonde,

And as you age, get Botox shots

To make sure he will have the hots.

Forget the fact that nerves will die,

That brain cells are so close nearby,

For what's a neuron here and there,

As long as he can't help but stare?

And let me know how all this goes

Since I myself will never know.

My hair will gray at its own pace,

And wrinkles walk across my face,

For I decline the scalpel's pains,

The poison shots inside my veins.

I'll take the shape that I came with

And keep perfection as a myth

For which the men can sit and wait,

The men whom I will never date!

© Joanna Gardner


Joanna Gardner lives a life of intrigue and adventure in the wilds of corporate America, where her individual performance objectives include Doing More With Less, Cross-Functional Synergizing, and Looking Good.


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