by Kimberly Saunders <Submit your comments to the author>
I hear a call. I donít know where it is coming from, or if it is just a trick of my mind, but I hear it nonetheless. A call from a time long past. A time when there were no cities. And there was no "society," as we know it today. A time when people and animals were one. When survival was the basis of life. When there was endless land. Before technology. Before the internet. This time no longer exists, yet I keep longing for it, and dreaming of a way that I can somehow return. Going camping in the wilderness isnít enough. I know that it is just a vacation that will soon end. Reading about it isnít enough. Something deep inside of me is screaming out that I have been misplaced in this time period. That my heart and soul are waiting for me somewhere else. But I donít know how to get there.
I am 25 years old. I live in a suburb outside of New York City. I work in publishing. I have a boyfriend who I am completely in love with. By others' standards of normalcy, my life is perfectly fine. And it is for the most part. I have a considerably good life, good family and friends. Enough money to live comfortably and not have to worry. I have a job, a car, a telephone, a surplus of clothes. I am computer literate.
On the outside I am just your typical, middle class, white girl. It is what they donít see that makes me different. While I am carrying on these conversations with others about where we should go for dinner, and what movies we like, my thoughts are always elsewhere. Dreaming of riding my horse through the open land. Hunting or fishing for my dinner. Using aloe plants to heal my cuts, not Neosporin. Sleeping on the ground, under the stars. Eating with my hands. Doing anything other than what this society accepts as civilized. I donít want to be civilized. I want to be wild, as we once were.
People often talk about past lives and reincarnation. They say that hypnotists can bring you back in time, and help you to remember a past life. But I donít need a hypnotist for that. I feel as if I do remember, and it hurts. I need a hypnotist to help me forget.
Every time I read a book or see a movie having to do with this sort of lifestyle itís as if a memory has been triggered. In my mind, I go to that place, and feel as if I have been there before. When I hear of an accident causing someone to be stranded in the wild-a plane crash, a ship wreck-I feel so envious of them. While everyone else thinks of this as a tragedy, I think of it as a blessing. To be forced into nature, and have nothing but myself to determine whether I shall live or die? It is my continual dream.
I used to just dismiss all of this as childish fantasy. And think that it is just a phase that I will one day grow out of. I am just in a "nature" phase. But itís not a phase. The feelings arenít going away, they are just getting stronger. In my dreams, I figure out a way to get back. Itís as if there is some unseen power leading me, and giving me the answers that I need. I find the route to my past. I answer the call.
Last night these things started happening to me while awake. I was lying outside looking at the stars, as I have done countless times before. This time, a new group stood out brighter than the rest, making its own constellation. I couldnít believe that I had never seen it before--the distinct shape of an arrow, pointing North-West. At that moment I knew the answer. No matter how insane or ridiculous it may seem, I have to follow the arrow. It was the sign that I have been waiting for.
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