By Kiwana Rose
Ooooh . . . I'm telling on you. I'm gonna tell on you. This isn't something you
should be doing. You know better. You know you know better. So why are you letting
this man make love to you like this? Why you let him kiss you in those places?
If your mother ever found out she'd kill you and you hate to make her angry you hate
hurting her so why you keep letting him do you this way? Does it feel that good?
Yes it does. You know it does. It isn't your time yet. No it isn't your time.
What happened to when I'm married? What happened to the next guy has to be sincere
and he has to love me? What happened to he has to love me? You forgot that? It
wasn't that long ago. That moment when your heart split in two and your world came
crashing down around you, that moment wasn't that long ago. It isn't that far away.
Is that why you're doing this? Do you think that no one is ever going to love you?
This morning the sun came dancing through my window. It danced magnificently high
and it warmed my body. It melted the morning chill of my body, but it didn't touch
me on the inside. It never touched me on the inside. Nothing ever touches me on
the inside except maybe a nice hard dick, and sometimes that isn't even nice. Sometimes
it's too small, sometimes it's too big, sometimes it's pushed in too roughly and
I can't handle it. Sometimes it hurts like hell, most times, okay all the time it's
too cold. There's never any love in it, at least on my behalf. I am on the path
of becoming another one of the world's unpaid hoes. One of the ones who do it for
free, just for the hell of it and for these reasons only. I like the attention that
comes before, and when the guy wants more. They always want more.
"You ready to go?"
"Yeah. Come on."
Phillip held the door for me. We walked out to his car side by side and when
we got there he opened the door for me. He always opens doors and he always walks
beside his lady and he always stands when a lady enters the room. It never fails;
he always does those things. I don't know if I should think he's weird because of
it or if I should consider him to be a well-trained young man. We don't have many
of those around here these days. I hear tell this chivalry was required a long time
ago. Not that long ago, but it seems like it.
"I just take the 94 to Warren?"
"Yes then turn left, go to St. Antoine and make a right. I'll tell you the
rest from there."
"How long you been living there?"
"You like it?"
"What are you studying in school?"
"So you want to teach?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Oh. What do you write, fiction, non fiction, poetry, short stories?"
"All of it."
"How do I get a whole conversation out of you?"
"I'll give it too you if I decide I want to talk to you."
"Oh. Why so evil?"
"So you're always like this."
"That's a shame."
"You could be grateful enough for the ride home to indulge me just a little
"Yeah I guess I could be, but I don't want to be, so you'll just have to settle
for what you get."
We rode in silence the rest of the way. That's all I wanted. I just wanted him
to stop talking to me. I didn't appreciate the bother of conversation. He offered
the ride home because his jackass friend, who was also my jackass date for the night
was too high and too drunk to take me home. He was too drunk to walk straight so
he just decided to crash on the floor of Phillip's bedroom until his legs decided
they were willing to carry his sorry drunk ass to the bathroom where he'd probably
spend two or more hours vomiting. I always manage to get the blue ribbon winners,
I should be so lucky.
"For being a jerk or for being a pain in the ass or are you sorry that I had
to bring you home in the first place?"
"All of it."
I felt my eyes burning. I was so tired. It was a feeling of sudden weariness,
my eyelids were suddenly too heavy to hold themselves open. I felt like I was the
jackass that had gotten too high, too drunk to stay awake any longer.
"Call me to let me know you made it back home safely, okay."
"Oh so now you want to play concerned, huh?"
"I apologized for being a bitch, now you just do what the fuck I told you to
do and go home."
"Hurry so I can take my ass to bed."
"So selfish, what if I wanted to stay and talk?"
"You don't, so just go, okay. Just go."
He called about 20 minutes later and as I promised, I went to bed.
The sunlight didn't come dancing through my window this morning, but the light from
the lightening did. It was beautiful, I've always thought that lightening was beautiful.
So much power in one flash of light. So much power that it's glare has an echo.
Have you ever listened to the glare of lightening? It is so strong and knowing,
the sound of it is so moving. I can never ever ignore the sound; it always seems
to call me from whatever work I find myself doing. It always manages to call me
from my own life. If only for a moment. I have to stop and let it talk to me.
It's the only fulfilling conversation I have and since it's only an occasional conversation
I try to be extremely attentive. It might have an explanation that no one else seems
to have. For a life that no one seems to understand.
Ooooh... I'm telling on you. What you doing down there on that floor, huh? Girl
your daddy should kill you for this one. Uh hunh He should strike you down the minute
you feel it's safe to show your horrid wretched little face. What you aiming for,
huh? What is it that you're shooting for? Are you trying to get yourself in some
kind of trouble? I hope not, but your heading that way real fast now. Getting there
real fast. Yes indeed you are. Angels don't make it very far around here, so I
suppose you can get ready to soar. Away from here, far away from here, because you're
no angel and you know it don't you. You're no angel and you know it better than
anybody does. When you going, huh? When are you going to go? Perhaps not as far
as you thought 'cause you're no angel, but you have the heart of one. It just keeps
getting stepped on. But that's okay, you'll fix it. Is that what you're doing?
Are you fixing it? Down there on that floor, are you fixing it? Don't think it
will go unnoticed or forgotten, because you see everything and you forget nothing,
Well at least she slept through most of the night. I got half a night's sleep.
Come on baby girl, you hungry? I think you must smell my breasts getting full while
I'm sleeping 'cause I swear you start crying and my tits look like two big ass water
balloons. Come on Momma's baby, gone on to sleep Momma's baby. Gone on to sleep
baby girl. Drink 'til you're full, then gone on to sleep.
Hold on to his hand. Hold on to his hand.
"You hear what Puff singing girl, huh?"
Hold on to his hand. Forever and ever. Forever and ever. Don't let go. Don't
"No no baby girl, don't let go. Don't let go."
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