Thoughts On A Letting Of Blood

LaSara W. FireFox


Om Kali Durga Kali Namo Nama Ha

It is Tuesday, and tomorrow I am scheduled for my second abortion. I am hoping the procedure will be easier than last time. I feel no doubt it will be. Circumstances are so different now. I do not feel the extreme pulling of my heart and soul like I did in '93. This time I feel "right" in my core; blameless, secure, and supported by my husband and friends.

I have not had a lot of personal contact with any particular spirit connected to this mass of cells. I did have two baby dreams before I knew I was pregnant. The first was of a girl, the second was of a boy. There is no way to know who this spirit may have been (what gender, what sort of person) had it an opportunity to be, and the way I feel about it is that this spirit is just that--spirit, here to offer a lesson.

I do not think this one needs to be born. I think that our karma together was in the opportunity for me to make this choice; to commit this act of dedication to my work and to my little family, to walking lightly and with joy. As the last abortion was a darkening, I think this one can be a lightening. A lightening of my load, a celebration of choice, a celebration of Love teemed with Will.

Life (and death) need be only as painful as we make them. I invoke - and celebrate - my choice, my sovereignty, my freedom, and my responsibility for creation. My little daughter and my loving husband are a comfort to me. My belief system offers justification. Yet still, I am a woman in a culture that shames women when we choose our own lives over that of others, and ultimately I am alone in an existential place that requires me to work hard to suspend self-judgment and recrimination. This time, I choose the path that leaves me feeling whole, not hurt. This time, I choose to cause comfort rather than torture. This time, my abortion is an affirmation, not a denial.

With compassion, I look on this time, this age, this moment of extreme action. I prepare myself to take a step into the role of god, taking, giving, taking life. I pray with a full heart. I call on the Goddesses of Darkness to spirit this being back to the other world. To take this spirit down into the belly of darkness, beyond the veil, into the waiting place, or the doing place, or the place out of place and time out of time.

I summon my strength to make this hugest sacrifice in honor of my faith, in honor of life, in honor of my responsibility, in honor of choice. I am that goddess, that god, omnipotent in my own rite, for this moment and every moment I choose the role of ultimate responsibility; to create, to destroy, to embrace, to cut free, to give life, to take life.


© LaSara FireFox

LaSara FireFox is a freelance writer, sex educator, and mother of two, who works in the sex industry from time to time to support her writing habit. Check her out at www.one-sexy-mama.com or www.angelfire.com/grrl/one-sexy-mama/.


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