40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous
zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's
worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls
love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're
trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake.That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin
which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns
her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon
for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp
down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking
your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a
highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region
can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive,
just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility.
You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's
not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her
like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking
it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris
without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner
is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.
This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's
at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing
a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants
is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst
thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie
an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean,
straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated
into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the
mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something
to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women
make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or
flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis,
hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's
about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixedwith
egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before
you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying
there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that
she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men
earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it
there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns
on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and
feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's
as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself
if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction
on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling
a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying
until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,... and you're
lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and
Copyright 1999 Moxie Magazine All Rights Reserved